If you’ve ever seen a child go from calm to melting down in 0.2 seconds, you’ve witnessed what many of us in the therapy world call “flipping the lid.”
This isn’t just a phrase, it’s actually a helpful way to understand what’s happening in the brain when a child (or any of us!) becomes overwhelmed.
A Quick Brain Breakdown (The Hand Model)
Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry, came up with a simple hand model to explain the brain to kids and adults alike.
- Make a fist with your thumb tucked inside your fingers.
- Your wrist and palm are the brainstem – where survival instincts and automatic responses live.
- Your thumb is the amygdala, the emotion centre – like a smoke alarm for threat.
- Your fingers wrapped over the top? That’s your prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for problem-solving, impulse control, and empathy.
Now imagine the fingers flying open. That’s flipping your lid – the thinking part of the brain goes offline, and the emotional brain takes over.
Why It Matters
When a child flips their lid, they can’t think clearly, follow instructions, or reason with logic. It’s not that they won’t – it’s that they literally can’t.
Their body is reacting to a threat (real or perceived), and they’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This might look like:
- Yelling or crying
- Running away
- Hiding under the table
- Hitting or kicking
- Going silent or shutting down
And it’s not the time to teach, reason, or discipline.
What Kids Need When They’ve Flipped
They need us. Not to fix or force or talk them out of it – but to be a calm, steady presence.
This is where co-regulation comes in. Instead of demanding they calm down, we help them feel safe enough to find their way back.
That might look like:
- Sitting quietly beside them
- Slowing your own breathing
- Saying softly, “I’m right here.”
- Offering a sensory tool or comfort item
- Letting them be without rushing them to be “okay”
As Circle of Security reminds us:
“Being With” rather than fixing is the key.
Try saying:
“That was really hard, hey?”
“You don’t have to be okay right away.”
“I’m right here with you.”
Honouring the Lid Flip
We’re not just tolerating big feelings. We’re honouring them , showing kids that all feelings are welcome, and they are never too much for us.
When we honour the flip, we’re saying:
✔️You’re safe
✔️ You’re not alone
✔️ You’ll find your way back – and I’ll walk with you
That’s what builds trust. That’s what strengthens regulation. That’s what helps a child learn to calm with us, and eventually calm themselves.
So next time you see a flipped lid – pause. Breathe. Be the calm they can borrow.
Because that’s where true connection (and healing) begins.