Regulation refers to our ability to modify arousal levels and match emotions and energy to complete tasks that we need or want to do. It’s essential to understand that being regulated is a unique experience for each person. And as Kim Barthel explains in her blog, Calm is Overrated, being regulated doesn’t always mean being calm.
What Does It Mean to Be Regulated?
Throughout the day, we need different energy levels to perform various tasks. When we can align these energy levels and emotional responses to the task at hand, we are considered regulated. But this looks different for everyone. What makes me feel regulated might be entirely different from what helps you feel regulated, and this can vary as we move through different activities during the day.
For instance, consider two students in a classroom. One student might need higher levels of energy to focus and engage in learning. This could mean needing lots of movement or sensory input before and during the lesson, such as sitting on a wobble stool. On the other hand, another student may need lower energy levels to feel regulated, focusing quietly with their arms rested and feet flat on the floor. Both students are engaged in learning, but their paths to regulation are entirely different.
What Does Dysregulation Look Like?
Dysregulation is when someone’s energy levels and emotions don’t match the task demands, and it can look very different from one person to the next. A dysregulated child might display behaviours such as fidgeting, difficulty paying attention, or acting out. If a child is experiencing sensory overload—whether it's too much noise, bright lights, or overwhelming emotions—they may become agitated, withdraw, or act out by hitting or screaming. These behaviours are not simply "bad" behaviour but signs that the child is struggling to align their internal state with their environment.
However, dysregulation doesn’t always manifest as high energy or agitation. A child can appear calm but still be dysregulated. For instance, a child might sit quietly at their desk, seemingly compliant, but mentally and emotionally shut down. This shutdown is a form of dysregulation where the child disconnects because they can’t cope with the environment. They might seem calm, but they are not truly regulated.
The Role of Co-Regulation and Self-Regulation
An essential part of understanding regulation is recognizing that it’s not a simple progression from co-regulation to self-regulation. Co-regulation involves using others—parents, teachers, or caregivers—to help us feel regulated, and this process doesn't end when we reach adulthood. Even as adults, we often rely on others to help us manage our emotions and energy, especially during stressful or uncertain times. We never outgrow the need for co-regulation.
Additionally, self-regulation skills don’t fully develop until around age 25, when the brain reaches full maturity. Neuroscientific research shows that the prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for self-regulation, decision-making, and impulse control—continues to develop into our mid-20s. This means that while children can start building self-regulation skills, it is an ongoing process that continues to evolve as the brain develops and matures.
How Can We Support Children’s Regulation?
We can help children develop regulation skills by being attuned to their needs. This involves using empathy, validation, and connection to understand where they are emotionally and energetically and responding accordingly. Regulation is not something children can simply do on their own; they need support from trusted adults to guide them through the process.
One way to support children is by modelling and engaging in different sensory, movement, breathing, and mindfulness activities. For example, helping a child take deep breaths when they are overwhelmed or providing a sensory break when they need to move can make a significant difference. By offering these activities and being responsive to their needs, we help them learn how to manage their energy and emotions.
Final Thoughts
Regulation is not about always being calm or composed. It's about finding the right balance of energy and emotional responses to meet the demands of the moment. As adults, we can support children by being in tune with their needs and providing the right tools—whether it’s through movement, sensory input, or relationship. Over time, this helps children develop the essential skills of self-regulation, preparing them to navigate the world with greater emotional awareness and resilience.