At Regulated and Ready, we often hear the phrase “kids are resilient.” While it sounds encouraging, this blanket statement oversimplifies a complex process that doesn’t happen naturally or without the right support. We need to dig deeper into resilience, not as an innate trait, but as a skill that requires careful nurturing. Assuming children are resilient without laying the right foundations can be dangerous, leaving them without the tools they need to manage life’s challenges.
What Is Resilience, Really?
Resilience isn’t about “bouncing back” from every difficulty or getting through tough times with a smile. It’s the ability to adapt, cope, and recover when things go wrong. However, for kids, resilience is not something they’re born with, it's something they need to learn.
Children don’t just “know” how to deal with failure, stress, or setbacks. They need to be taught how to understand their emotions, regulate their nervous system, and respond thoughtfully to challenges. When we assume resilience comes automatically, we’re neglecting the active role parents, educators, and support workers play in building it.
The Danger of Assumptions:
Assuming that kids are resilient without considering their emotional foundation can lead to negative consequences, especially when they don’t know how to manage their emotions effectively. This can lead to anxiety, overwhelm, and even meltdowns. Without resilience-building practices, children are more likely to struggle when faced with unexpected changes, difficult emotions, or stressors.
For example, consider a child in a classroom setting. If a teacher expects them to simply “bounce back” after a disappointing experience, the child might not have the tools to process their feelings, leading to further distress and even behavioral issues. It’s not that the child lacks resilience, it’s that they haven’t been equipped to build it.
Sometimes, Kids "Look Resilient" But Aren't:
One of the misconceptions about children and resilience is that we sometimes think kids look resilient, and therefore assume they are. A child might seem unaffected by a situation, appearing strong and “bouncy,” but in reality, they could be in shutdown mode, unable to express their emotions because they simply don’t have the words, or the capacity to do so. This might happen when they feel overwhelmed, but can’t communicate it in a way that’s understood.
Resilience isn’t about always showing strength. In fact, a child who seems calm or composed may actually be suppressing their feelings, avoiding emotional expression because they’ve learned to shut down rather than cope with their emotions in healthy ways. Sometimes, these internalized feelings may manifest in other behaviours, such as withdrawal, irritability, or acting out in ways that are confusing to adults.
This is why it’s so important not to assume that children who appear resilient are actually equipped with the tools they need to navigate challenges. True resilience involves understanding and regulating emotions, as well as having the ability to express them, something that isn’t always immediately apparent in children who seem “fine” on the surface.
Building Resilience with Connection and Support:
Research tells us that resilience is developed in environments where children feel safe, supported, and connected. The foundation of resilience begins with connection. When children feel connected to the important adults in their lives, they gain a sense of security, which allows them to develop the tools to cope with stressors.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “resilience involves behaviours, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.” For children, this process starts with secure attachments, consistent emotional support, and co-regulation. In other words, children need to be guided through their emotions before they can independently manage them.
Here’s how you can help build resilience in younger children:
1. Build Emotional Awareness:
For younger kids, emotional awareness starts with helping them identify and understand their feelings. This can be done by focusing on two key strategies: interoception and labelling/validating emotions.
Interoception is the ability to sense what’s going on inside the body. Helping children tune into their bodily signals can be a powerful way to build emotional awareness. For example, you might say, “Can you feel your heart beating faster when you're upset?” or “Do your fists get tight when you're angry?” Encouraging children to notice and name these sensations helps them become more in tune with their emotions.
The second strategy is labelling and validating their emotions. This means putting words to what they’re feeling and letting them know their emotions are okay. For example, you might say, “It looks like you're feeling frustrated right now. That’s okay, it’s okay to feel upset.” You could also ask, “How does your face look when you’re sad?” This helps children recognize their emotional states, and by validating those feelings, you let them know that it’s normal to feel upset, angry, or frustrated.
Using tools like emotion cards or feelings charts can also give kids a visual cue to help them label what they’re feeling. This sets the stage for them to express themselves in healthier ways, building the emotional foundation they need for resilience.
2. Encourage Problem-Solving:
Children need to feel empowered to handle challenges, but they often need help navigating problems. For example, if a child is struggling to share a toy, instead of solving the problem for them, try asking, “What could you do to solve this?” You can offer prompts like, “Do you think there’s a way to take turns?” or “Can we figure out how both of you can play with the toy?” This teaches them that problems can be solved collaboratively, building their confidence in their ability to handle difficulties.
3. Provide Safe Spaces for Risk-Taking:
Young kids need opportunities to face small challenges in a supportive environment. These “safe risks” can be something simple, like trying a new activity at the park or navigating a new routine at school. For instance, if they’re struggling with a new game, you might say, “It’s okay if you don’t get it right away. Let’s try it together and see how we can make it fun!” These moments help children practice resilience by embracing failure as a learning opportunity, rather than something to fear.
4. Foster Positive Relationships and Co-Regulation:
Resilience is built through connection with others. One of the most important tools we can offer young children is co-regulation, helping them manage their emotions in the moment. If a child is upset, instead of simply telling them to calm down, try saying, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take some deep breaths together,” or “I’m here with you. It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s talk about what’s going on.” This helps them feel secure and supported while learning to regulate their emotions with your guidance.
When children experience co-regulation, they develop a sense of safety and trust, which is crucial for building resilience. Over time, they’ll learn that they can rely on their caregivers and teachers for support, but they’ll also start to internalize the tools for self-regulation.
5. Celebrate Small Wins:
Young children build resilience when they’re encouraged through the little wins. Whether it’s completing a puzzle or sharing a toy, celebrate those moments with them. Say, “Look at how you stuck with it! You did such a great job solving that problem!” This reinforces the idea that perseverance leads to success and helps children understand that resilience is a skill they can develop.
Why Resilience Needs a Foundation:
Resilience isn’t about being able to “bounce back” from anything, it’s about having the tools and support to face challenges. Without the right foundation, children are less likely to build the internal resources they need to cope with adversity.
According to Dr. Sheryl Feinstein, a developmental psychologist, “Children who don’t feel safe, who don’t have the skills to manage emotions, or who lack adult guidance are less likely to develop resilience.” This means that emotional regulation, social support, and opportunities for positive risk-taking are essential for resilience-building.
Conclusion:
While it’s true that children are capable of resilience, we must not assume that it will magically emerge without proper support. To truly empower kids to thrive in the face of adversity, we need to help them build emotional intelligence, social skills, and co-regulation, the core components of resilience.
At Regulated and Ready, we’re passionate about supporting parents, educators, and therapists in creating environments where resilience can grow. By focusing on connection, emotional regulation through co-regulation, and skill-building, we can help children develop the resilience they need to navigate life's challenges.
Resilience doesn’t happen by chance. It’s built, step by step, with the right foundation. And it starts with connection.