When a child is yelling, refusing, hitting, running away, shutting down or saying "no" for the tenth time, it can be really easy to focus on the behaviour we can see.
We might think:
- "Why are they behaving like this?"
- "They know the rules."
- "They need to make a better choice."
- "They're just being difficult."
But behaviour is often a bit like an iceberg.
We see the tip, but there is usually much more happening underneath.
What we see
The part above the water is the behaviour that is visible to us.
It might look like:
- Refusing
- Yelling
- Hitting
- Crying
- Running away
- Avoiding
- Shutting down
- Saying "no"
- Throwing things
- Not joining in
- Struggling to transition
- "Not listening"
These are the things we can easily notice, name and respond to.
But they are only one part of the picture.
What might be underneath?
Underneath the behaviour, there may be things we can't immediately see.
Too much sensory input. The room might be loud, busy, bright or unpredictable.
A nervous system that is already working hard. They may have spent the whole morning holding things together.
Big feelings. They may be overwhelmed, frustrated, worried, disappointed or angry.
A difficult task. The work might feel too hard, confusing or impossible to get started.
A need for connection. They may be seeking reassurance, closeness or help.
A transition that feels enormous. Moving from one activity to another can be much harder than it looks.
A mismatch between the environment and the child. Sometimes the expectation, setting or task simply isn't working for that particular child at that particular moment.
A body that needs something. Movement, food, water, rest, predictability, sensory input or a break can all influence how a child is able to participate.
And sometimes, we simply don't know yet.
That's important too.
The behaviour is information
Looking underneath the iceberg doesn't mean ignoring behaviour.
It doesn't mean that hitting is okay, that boundaries don't matter, or that we never hold expectations.
It means becoming curious about why the behaviour might be happening before deciding what to do about it.
Instead of only asking:
"How do I stop this behaviour?"
we can also ask:
- "What is this behaviour telling me?"
- "What might be making this harder right now?"
- "What does this child need from me in this moment?"
- "Is there something about the environment, expectation or task that we can change?"
That small shift can change the way we respond.
From fixing to understanding
Sometimes we can become so focused on changing the behaviour that we miss the opportunity to understand the child.
A child who is refusing might need support to start.
A child who is running away might need more safety or predictability.
A child who is yelling might be overwhelmed.
A child who is shutting down might have reached their limit.
And a child who appears to be "not listening" might be struggling to access the skills we are asking them to use in that moment.
Behaviour is the part we can see. It isn't necessarily the whole story.
When we look beyond the behaviour with curiosity, we have a better chance of understanding what is happening underneath and working out what support might actually help.
Because when we look beyond the tip of the iceberg, we often see a child who isn't giving us a hard time.
We see a child who is having a hard time.
And that gives us a much better place to start.